Monday, August 23, 2010

An Unmarried Woman

I am an unmarried woman. That is an old "feminist" term that I actually like! It describes my state in life better than "divorced" or "single". Moreover, I am DEFINITELY not widowed. Not that any of those terms have to be derogatory, but there is a stigma attached to each one. Divorce usually indicates that one party was evil or the other was wronged. Single has historically often meant that there was something wrong with a woman who cannot find a man to love her. Finally, to be widowed doesn't mean either of the previous two situations have to be true, but people in their circle of friends still often seem to have unrealistic or selfish expectations of the behavior of the widow. I am not party to any of the three scenarios, so, I am simply not married.

Not that I have never bought into any of those stereotypes nor enabled others who placed those negative social mores in my lap. I can say with a great degree of certainty, that I spent too much of my life looking to find personal happiness and pleasure than seeking His will. Of course, that is at the heart of the concept of wisdom, isn't it? To paraphrase Judge Judith Sheindlin, wisdom is a gift from God to compensate us for getting older. I love that line.

When I go back in the "Way Back Machine" (you don't need carbon dating to figure out my age, but if you Google it, you will get my drift), when I was at the preferred age for discerning a vocation in the Catholic Church, had Slinky's Disease. I was born with no spine. In my heart, I longed to wear a habit and live in a cloister. I don't think I was really ready for that way of life, but was overwhelmed by the fear of rejection by white religious sisters. And, I didn't think it was something my parents would accept. None of those things should have been an issue, because if I had known of the Oblate Sisters of Providence, I would have been at their doorstep in a New York minute!

I was in my mid thirties before I got the chutzpah to begin the discernemtn process as I was in the middle of the annulment process. The deacon who served as my advocate began to nourish the seed in my heart to begin the process of finding a way to live the consecrated life. And search I did. While I don't deny that lay associations and third orders are not a vital element in the life of Catholicism, but I wanted a WAY OF LIFE, a vocation of consecration by serving the Lord with every good thing I accomplished and every minute of my life to be a prayer for Christ. I desired to be a sister to His Holy Mother. I was weary of wandering around in my life, seeking the Living among the dead.

I did become a vowed Companion of Jesus the Good Shepherd. I still, to this day, love St.Mary Euphrasia's charism and the companions and sisters will always be a dear part of my heart. But I was uncomfortable with the liberal and feminist attitudes among them. Then when the controversy of their relationship to the rest of the Good Shepherd Congregation became a huge hurdle to the organization, it was the first time I came face to face with a "prejudice" against women who had been married, along with opposition to consecrated women wearing a habit. Good Shepherds are benevolent, hospitable, kind hearted and most well meaning. But they, unfortunately, have also have fallen victim to the "secularization" that has infected so many Catholics in this current culture. This climate has also given birth to a deep distrust of secular consecrated lay persons and conservative charisms. The desire to live a way of life in and of the world in complete service and submission to God's will feels as if it is being cooked in a double boiler. The fire under the bowl that heats our faith burns under the container and slowly cooks and smooths our daily life. It is a method that most cooks avoid. It produces, however, a delicate, smooth, desirable confection that is rich in its sweetest ingredient: JESUS CHRIST.

I have been celibate since my civil divorce in 1989. I chose to remain friendly and helpful to my daughter's father. Satan bombarded me with insulting innuendo from those around me, accusing me of maintaining a conjugal relationship with him. Insulting. I only sought the annulment to "seal the deal", if you will. Not to be free to marry, but to be free for Christ and put him in the very center of my life and family. He has proven to be the best male role model for my two daughters of a single mother. And, I am firm in my belief that the success I enjoyed raising two devoutly Catholic Christian daughters is the direct result of my choosing Jesus ans my Divine Spouse and consecrating my single motherhood. I pray each day that I witness and model for other women who find themselves single parents. It is better for the children and such a comfort to a parent who must do it alone. What better support system can one find than Mother Church?

My vision for Oblate Sisters of Mary Magdalene is a congregation of unmarried women. It doesn't matter what brought or brings them to that state in life and Jesus loves us, just as much as he loved the Magdalen. He taps our shoulders and soothes our suffering and pain. He opens our eyes to help us stop "seeking the Living among the dead". The unmarried state in life is a dignified one.