Friday, February 26, 2010

Forgiveness

I feel that forgiveness is the toughest nut to crack next to submitting to God's will. Actually, they probably run hand in hand. Because in order to do the latter, you must overcome the former. Forgiving is probably the most misunderstood feeling as well.

The reason it is so difficult is because it takes so long to master the key ingredient: forgiving YOURSELF. We never see that, directing our frustration and anger at someone else or some outside irritation. Looking inside one's self and embracing all that is you is rendered deceiving by the ego, which is desperate to cover our failings. Even people who claim to be self loathing don't realize this is the root cause. Our hearts are so fragile, the wall of unforgiving her is protected by this ignorance (not in the negative of the sense, but the literal meaning).

I came to this epiphany through an interesting course of recent events. First I was reading a blog about bereavement, and the writer mentioned that part of the grieving process was forgiveness of self. Forgiving yourself for the anger you harbor against the deceased. A light bulb with some curiosity lit over my head. Then, I had a phone conversation with a relative where that same subject came up. She mentioned that she was surprised that I hold so many fond memories of my growing up years. Yes, they were rocky. I grew up in a predominantly white neighborhood and dealt with extreme forms of racism. I was the most unpopular person in my class, you know, "...those of us whose names were never called, when choosing sides for basketball". Moreover, it became more brutal when I entered high school. Daily remarks, being called the "n" word over and over and no chance at romance. There was no pool of black males from which to choose. It was brutally painful and I soaked many pillows to sleep.

Yet, I remember my fathers wonderful sense of humor, loving chats with my wonderful mom as she made biscuits and how I relentlessly teased my sisters. I babysat for a charming family who lived across the street. My mother didn't like soap operas and forbid them on the TV, so I befriended a nice elderly lady who also lived close by and would visit her every summer afternoon to watch "As the World Turns" with her as she fed me tea and cookies. I still laugh at pranks some of the boys made in class. I smile when I think of the time I bought my first mohair sweater and a matching kilt and knee high socks. Penny loafers, I bought those too. I had a wonderful family, regardless of outside negativity.

I believe that we are all the sum total of all our experiences. The good helps us to love, the bad give us character and strength.

The icing on the cake happened on Facebook, of all places. After I resisted being a part of that social network, I began to connect with people I knew as a child and the women who graduated high school with me (then an all girls boarding school, Andrews School for Girls), where I was sent by my parents to finish high school. I had threatened to drop out if I had to attend school with those people anymore. Now, I still only have two friends from my class in my "hometown", but several of my older sisters' class mates have added me. I had one add request from a woman whose name I did not recognize. I play the virtual game "Sorority Life" on Facebook, and I thought she was one of those players. Then, I noticed one of my homies had her listed as a mutual friend. So, I revisited her profile. The face looked slightly familiar, but I couldn't place it or her name. Finally, an embarrassed me wrote her a message confessing my ignorance and asking for her unmarried name. She answered me without divulging the name, but saying that she was in my older sister's class. Then it hit me! If you had asked me 30 years ago, I would say that her brother was, single handedly, the person who ruined my teenage years! She was probably still contrite about that experience and perhaps afraid I wouldn't add her if I was aware of who her family is. I had a good laugh. I even called my sister and told her about it. She laughed too, and said, "It's a good thing that you can laugh about it." It is.

What does this have to do with self forgiveness? Well, I forgave myself for believing all of those nasty things people said about and to me. It was so long ago and her brother was a child. SHE cannot be responsible for anything some other member of her family may have done. And, if her brother was someone who requested an add, I would add him too. I love God, so I love everyone. He who is Mighty has healed my damaged soul and forgives us all. I imitate Christ. I recognize that if I do love Christ as much as I claim, if I am to be a consecrated religious, I must reconcile myself to anyone in my past who may have given me an experience of pain. EVERYONE. Forgiveness of ourselves is more proof of God's existence and the salvation that is found through Jesus Christ.

I am a happy woman. I feel honored that Christ chose me to be His bride!