"You shall see the face of God and live."

"Be Not Afraid" is a long time favorite hymn of mine. Whenever I find myself in great fear or turmoil, it automatically comes to mind. I chose it to be played at my mother's funeral. Regardless of the circumstances when I hear it, I feel warm & comforted. It is just quite simply, lovely & it's not a piece of music confined to grief or fear.

I think of the times in the Gospels and The Acts of the Apostles that people encounter Jesus without recognizing him. And in my life, especially St Mary Magdalene. I've done my share of "..lookin' for love in all the wrong places". Of course, not just romantic love, but the warm feeling of doing a good job and being recognized for it. Or feeling popular and accepted. I've always been wanting to live a useful and purposeful life. The greatest of all my "lookin'" is finding my own faith. I've always been a believer, but I mean finding the Sacred Heart of Jesus and receiving His True Presence of Christ in the Eucharist. Living the fullness of faith and purposefully embracing The Truth.

I will be the first to admit to my political incorrectness and its accompanying ornery sense of humor. I was raised by the couple who invented the PC concept. When we were kids, they tolerated our watching "The Beverly Hillbillies", never missing an opportunity to remind us that all Southerners are not stupid. They drew the line with "Hogan's Heroes" due to their perception that it portrayed Germans as sinister, stupid Nazis (I know, that's extreme, but that was my parents). I've been known to enjoy a good blond joke, but I think that is a small piece of the need we all have to rebel against what our parents believe and teach. My love for the Cincinnati Bengals & disdain for the Cleveland Browns is is another piece... Sorry, I digress and apologize.

These past few months, I have been fighting my demons. Like most of us, even as we recently discovered, I have been having a flat, questioning of my faith experience. No matter how down I may have felt, I STILL felt the Holy Arms of Jesus surrounding me. As someone who lives basically a simple life, by choice, the rising prices of everything is a difficult challenge, most of all I am overcome with feelings of guilt & inadequacy when I cannot do something for the girls & if I become lax in getting cat toys to keep the little people exercised. The latter is admittedly petty to most, but I love my cats as I do my daughters.

This afternoon, as I napped, I heard the entire song, "Be Not Afraid". God has a subtle way of waking us up, reminding us to be aware that he is here AND he always loves us. Even His children who are in prison, even those who deny Him.... He loves us all equally as my parents loved us girls and as I try to raise mine. It's time for me to stop succumbing to my fears and move on.

My pet show is put on a delay, only because I have to take a different approach to fund raising from sponsors. His Will be done, however.

Hall of Shame

As you know, I have been working to consecrate single motherhood, pray for the Sacramental Vocation of Marriage, advocating for the forgotten & & the unborn, as well as promoting my theory that it is an instinctive & hazardous practice of leaving your child alone with a male with whom you are involved, but who is not the child's father.

It happened again this weekend. A sweet 2 year old girl, named London, was killed by her mother's boyfriend while she was away at work.

I have found it necessary to begin a list. I will watch & read the news. I will keep up with internet reports. I will compile a "NOT MY BABY DADDY HALL OF SHAME".

Please join me in prayers for the mothers of abused children and the innocents themselves.+

An Unmarried Woman

I am an unmarried woman. That is an old "feminist" term that I actually like! It describes my state in life better than "divorced" or "single". Moreover, I am DEFINITELY not widowed. Not that any of those terms have to be derogatory, but there is a stigma attached to each one. Divorce usually indicates that one party was evil or the other was wronged. Single has historically often meant that there was something wrong with a woman who cannot find a man to love her. Finally, to be widowed doesn't mean either of the previous two situations have to be true, but people in their circle of friends still often seem to have unrealistic or selfish expectations of the behavior of the widow. I am not party to any of the three scenarios, so, I am simply not married.

Not that I have never bought into any of those stereotypes nor enabled others who placed those negative social mores in my lap. I can say with a great degree of certainty, that I spent too much of my life looking to find personal happiness and pleasure than seeking His will. Of course, that is at the heart of the concept of wisdom, isn't it? To paraphrase Judge Judith Sheindlin, wisdom is a gift from God to compensate us for getting older. I love that line.

When I go back in the "Way Back Machine" (you don't need carbon dating to figure out my age, but if you Google it, you will get my drift), when I was at the preferred age for discerning a vocation in the Catholic Church, had Slinky's Disease. I was born with no spine. In my heart, I longed to wear a habit and live in a cloister. I don't think I was really ready for that way of life, but was overwhelmed by the fear of rejection by white religious sisters. And, I didn't think it was something my parents would accept. None of those things should have been an issue, because if I had known of the Oblate Sisters of Providence, I would have been at their doorstep in a New York minute!

I was in my mid thirties before I got the chutzpah to begin the discernemtn process as I was in the middle of the annulment process. The deacon who served as my advocate began to nourish the seed in my heart to begin the process of finding a way to live the consecrated life. And search I did. While I don't deny that lay associations and third orders are not a vital element in the life of Catholicism, but I wanted a WAY OF LIFE, a vocation of consecration by serving the Lord with every good thing I accomplished and every minute of my life to be a prayer for Christ. I desired to be a sister to His Holy Mother. I was weary of wandering around in my life, seeking the Living among the dead.

I did become a vowed Companion of Jesus the Good Shepherd. I still, to this day, love St.Mary Euphrasia's charism and the companions and sisters will always be a dear part of my heart. But I was uncomfortable with the liberal and feminist attitudes among them. Then when the controversy of their relationship to the rest of the Good Shepherd Congregation became a huge hurdle to the organization, it was the first time I came face to face with a "prejudice" against women who had been married, along with opposition to consecrated women wearing a habit. Good Shepherds are benevolent, hospitable, kind hearted and most well meaning. But they, unfortunately, have also have fallen victim to the "secularization" that has infected so many Catholics in this current culture. This climate has also given birth to a deep distrust of secular consecrated lay persons and conservative charisms. The desire to live a way of life in and of the world in complete service and submission to God's will feels as if it is being cooked in a double boiler. The fire under the bowl that heats our faith burns under the container and slowly cooks and smooths our daily life. It is a method that most cooks avoid. It produces, however, a delicate, smooth, desirable confection that is rich in its sweetest ingredient: JESUS CHRIST.

I have been celibate since my civil divorce in 1989. I chose to remain friendly and helpful to my daughter's father. Satan bombarded me with insulting innuendo from those around me, accusing me of maintaining a conjugal relationship with him. Insulting. I only sought the annulment to "seal the deal", if you will. Not to be free to marry, but to be free for Christ and put him in the very center of my life and family. He has proven to be the best male role model for my two daughters of a single mother. And, I am firm in my belief that the success I enjoyed raising two devoutly Catholic Christian daughters is the direct result of my choosing Jesus ans my Divine Spouse and consecrating my single motherhood. I pray each day that I witness and model for other women who find themselves single parents. It is better for the children and such a comfort to a parent who must do it alone. What better support system can one find than Mother Church?

My vision for Oblate Sisters of Mary Magdalene is a congregation of unmarried women. It doesn't matter what brought or brings them to that state in life and Jesus loves us, just as much as he loved the Magdalen. He taps our shoulders and soothes our suffering and pain. He opens our eyes to help us stop "seeking the Living among the dead". The unmarried state in life is a dignified one.

Everlasting Love

From Ken Burn's Civil War Documentary, this has to be my most favorite prose read during the entire series, with the beautiful "Ashokan Farewell" by Jim Bottorff in the background. I have no reason for posting this, other than I consider that we all love. :) It's lovely:

July 14, 1861
Camp Clark, Washington

My very dear Sarah:
The indications are very strong that we shall move in a few days-perhaps tomorrow. Lest I should not be able to write again, I feel impelled to write a few lines that may fall under your eye when I shall be no more . . .

I have no misgivings about, or lack of confidence in the cause in which I am engaged, and my courage does not halt or falter. I know how strongly American Civilization now leans on the triumph of the Government and how great a debt we owe to those who went before us through the blood and sufferings of the Revolution. And I am willing-perfectly willing-to lay down all my joys in this life, to help maintain this Government, and to pay that debt . . .

Sarah my love for you is deathless, it seems to bind me with mighty cables that nothing but Omnipotence could break; and yet my love of Country comes over me like a strong wind and bears me unresistibly on with all these chains to the battle field.

The memories of the blissful moments I have spent with you come creeping over me, and I feel most gratified to God and to you that I have enjoyed them for so long. And hard it is for me to give them up and burn to ashes the hopes of future years, when, God willing, we might still have lived and loved together, and seen our sons grown up to honorable manhood, around us. I have, I know, but few and small claims upon Divine Providence, but something whispers to me-perhaps it is the wafted prayer of my little Edgar, that I shall return to my loved ones unharmed. If I do not my dear Sarah, never forget how much I love you, and when my last breath escapes me on the battle field, it will whisper your name. Forgive my many faults and the many pains I have caused you. How thoughtless and foolish I have often times been! How gladly would I wash out with my tears every little spot upon your happiness . . .

But, O Sarah! If the dead can come back to this earth and flit unseen around those they loved, I shall always be near you; in the gladdest days and in the darkest nights . . . always, always, and if there be a soft breeze upon your cheek, it shall be my breath, as the cool air fans your throbbing temple, it shall be my spirit passing by. Sarah do not mourn me dead; think I am gone and wait for thee, for we shall meet again . . .
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I always need a tissue. Because he died two weeks after writing this to his dear wife.

A Midsummer's Thanksgiving

We are already in midsummer! Summer isn't my favorite season, as I prefer spring or autumn, but this time around, it is particularly nice.

My older daughter, Rachel, became gravely ill for the second time in her life the beginning of April. She wasn't released from the hospital/nursing facility until June 3. She still has a blood clot near her heart, a side effect of the treatment for her rare blood condition. She takes daily injections for that, as there are only two designer medications to treat it. They're very expensive, as rare illnesses usually are to treat, but God is good and blessed us with assistance from the pharmaceutical company.

The days that Rachel spent close to death were the most difficult of my life. Even more so than when she was first ill at eleven years old, because this time around, I was more familiar with the potential dangers and the realization that it is going to be an issue for her to stay alive for the rest of her life. To add to that angst, TTP affects the cognitive thinking of its victim. She was refusing treatment and would thrash around, the slightest bump and she would bleed to death. She wanted to be home and watching her pain was equally as painful for me. But again, God is good and he spoke to me through a surprising (to me) source.

My younger daughter, Monique, was my rock. She kept holding me, reminding me that God isn't finished with Rachel yet. That He, in His infinite wisdom, uses physicians, nurses and other health care professionals to make sure that she is treated well & that He uses them as guardian angels. Then she reminded me that we are all part of His plan and we have to remain on his path, regardless of the hardships, to do His will and reap His reward. All this wisdom from an 18 year old diva!

Living as an Oblate Sister of Mary Magdalene, I didn't take a break from my prayer regimen, but I added to it. I never realized just how much prayer we humans can actually fit into a 24 hour day. I woke up nights, anxious with worry, and sat on the edge of my bed (because I can no longer kneel :-( ) and immersed myself in prayer. I discovered that on the local Catholic radio station, I can pray the Divine Chaplet at 3pm each afternoon! And, I never engaged so many prayer warriors in my life. As frustrated as Rachel was, she had many many visitors, from her job, from the neighborhood, from Church and other non Catholic Christian friends.

One humorous break we were afforded was particularly.... ironic? Due to a clerical error when Rachel was admitted to the Catholic hospital, she was listed as having no religion. We asked everyone on staff, including a couple of the non Catholic Christian chaplains available to us, that she (and I) wanted to receive The Eucharist. It wasn't until three days before her release to the nursing home, a lovely lady rabbi corrected the situation and made sure that she was visited by a Eucharistic Minister every day.... Yes, America, it took a JEWISH RABBI to help the Catholic practice her faith!

So, while I was blessed with a beautiful Easter Sunday, I wasn't given a nice spring and I missed most of spring altogether! But now, here it is the 4th of July and we are grilling jumbo beef hot dogs & steak, eating potato salad, baked beans, tossed salad and corn & bean salad.... Momo and Rachel are enjoying all of the firework displays in the area, Rachel participated in the Doo Da Parade (yick) and both of them are spending time at the pool, imitating dolphins. This is the best Thanksgiving I have ever had on the 4th of July!

An Urgent Call to Consecrate Single Motherhood

Last week, in the city of Columbus Ohio, there was a beautiful, 4 year old boy named Lawrence King III. The operative word is "was". This handsome, mildly developmentally handicapped, vibrant, young man was taken to Children's Hospital completely bruised and beaten all over his innocent body. He was dead on arrival. He had just been returned to his family two days before from Child Protective Services.

The mother has been indicted for criminal child endangerment. That is because her so-called husband, father of her younger child, but not a father to Lawrence, was charged for capital murder in the boy's death.

In my last discussion of this topic, I mentioned some behavior from the pride mentality of felines. The mother cat hides her babies or leaves another mother in charge to protect them while she hunts for food. If a male who hasn't sired them finds them, he will kill them all, so that HIS BLOODLINE can flourish. I am firm in my belief that humans are vulnerable to the same "instinctive behavior". The step father, or step mother, for that matter, who takes another's offspring as their own is rare. It's a beautiful thing, to be sure. It's just not a sure thing.

Now, I lament that I wish the young boy's mother knew that she had self worth regardless of whether there is a man in her life or not. I wish she had a model of a fulfilling lifestyle without companionship, at least while she is raising her young. Maybe she should have left Lawrence with his grandmother or maybe an aunt after her new marriage. I saw her mother on TV, tearfully expressing these same thoughts.

I take it one step further, mothers who find themselves single for whatever circumstance must make their children their first responsibility and priority. Dating comes third. Taking care of yourself would be in second place. These women need to know how to manage their lives and support for the loneliness that comes with single parenthood. They need Jesus as the spouse who models for their children. That is how I raised my two daughters, one by birth, the other a special needs adoption (her special need was being African American and over the age of three). I wanted to model for them that it is possible to be a single mother and retain your dignity and piety. My daughters, 18 & 29, are both virgins. In fact, the younger one once said a couple of years ago, "Mom, there is this girl in my class, she is a freshman, AND SHE IS PREGNANT! She isn't even still dating the father! Isn't that stupid? I guess she doesn't believe in a future for herself."

No, I'm not the model mom or the best parent on the planet. Far from. But I am a blessed mother, who proves that, WITH GOD, ALL THINGS ARE POSSIBLE.

More Forgiveness

I think I missed something in my last writing about forgiving. I am not going to back track on self forgiveness, but clarify forgiving others.

Forgiveness doesn't mean you condone bad behavior or to have to socialize with an offender. People who offend should take their victims as they come, and sometimes {sadly), their victims are fragile.

Now an admonishment for the victims. Think about the culpable situation. What ever the experience, all day long, you need to make a decision about choices and happenings. You should be discerning, "...is that from God or the Evil One?" If it makes you smile without any encroachment on your morals, it is from God. If it makes you feel bad, it simply is not from The Saviour, but from Satan. Plain and simple.

Now let's finish the logic here. Satan is a liar. He will spare no expense to defeat you and keep you from the Living Christ. Most especially the closer you get to God, the more work he will do and pull out all the stops. People living the consecrated life know this all to well. He made a sweet, red apple poison to the human condition, so the lies he is telling you are just not true and you must let that go.

Also, just as the offender has to take his victims as they come, the victims must think the same about the offender. Maybe they are compensating for a perceived short coming. Maybe they are angry with a spouse, neighbor, boss or co worker. Bottom line, they just simply make the wrong choice. What they need from you isn't self pity or cowardly thinking. What they need are your prayers.

Move on and focus on THE TRUTH IN THE WORD MADE FLESH. That is one key element into learning true forgiveness.