If I had a dime for each time someone questioned the Catholic Church for the annulment process, someone who poo-poohed it, people who say it "illegitimizes" the children who are a product of an annulled union.... etc.... I would never have to worry about my income again! Of all the misunderstood aspects of Mother Church's life for her people, I would venture to say this is at the top.
It has received so much bad press from the non Cathlic media, that it is no wonder people are so afraid of it. I have a non Catholic friend who claims a religious sister called her to grill her about her failed marriage. Apparently, he was getting an annulment to marry another young woman (a union that didn't last, because anyone who follows a faith on the instructions of their male body's appendage is rowing thier boat with one broken oar). My dear friend was understandibly resentful of the allegations. But did she express her anger at the real person behind the probe? No, she just thought it was a "viscious nun" who was bent on making her out to be something she is not. I asked her why that particular interrogation was so hurtful, and she said it's because she felt that the sister represented the Church and that it was beyond cruel. *the blogger sighs & shakes her head*
First, I reminded her that since she has known me, not the Canonical investigator, that I am the practicing Catholic who should be the apologist for any misunderstandings she holds about Mother Church. Secondly, I tried to remind her that but for her ex's actions, she wouldn't have gone through that hurtful exchange. Women never blame the man when matters of their less than successful unions arise. That goes for people jealous of "the other woman" or the cheating female in the illicit duo. Women in our society have so much invested in being the nurturer who keeps the marriage glued together. And whether, in this day and age of "feminism", most or many of us need to acknowledge that we are not judged by whether or not we are in a relationship or if it works or not. *blogger sighs & shakes her head yet AGAIN!
It took me a good three years to complete my annulment paperwork, for a variety of reasons. I wanted one so that I may pursue my hearts mission of living the consecrated life and to make sure that all ties to him in the marital realm were squashed. I also happened to have an advocate who had too many things on his plate. He did, however, before the annulment was granted, hear my very personal and private vows of the Evangelical Counsels, as I committed to a life as such, regardless of whether the annulment was granted or not. Of course it was, but I'm just sayin'....
Now, first, before I get into all the positives that ARE the action of going through a Catholic annulment, it is important to at least pursue one to the best of your ability. If you do not have an advocate, contact the Tribunal office, as they should have people with whom you may connect. If you are cash strapped (very often the case for women), many diocese have funds to assist you. I went to a seminar for perspective candidates for annulments and a few men stomped out. One I was able to catch and ask him to put on his listening ears. With much trepidation, he listened to me and was surprised. Why? BECAUSE THE KEY IS TO SIMPLY GO THROUGH THE PROCESS OR MAKE AN EARNEST ATTEMPT. Yes, there is always the possibility that yours will be denied, or you just can't get the money together. You may feel like it's just another opportunity to go through the pain of mourning the loss of your marital relationship all over again. However, I submit that those sorts of feelings are neither wrong nor serve no purpose.
When I began my process,which coincided with the advent of the discernment phase of my life (one which, I feel will always be an ongoing process), I was feeling overwhelmed at all I had to do. I procrastinated filling out my part. But, as I finally took on that task, I discovered a beautiful side of myself.
I first realized that I am NOT a wife or simply a mother. I am me. All of me, beautiful and ugly. You see, if you complete the form and answer its questions with all the sincerity you own, you must face yourself and your part in any or all of went wrong. You really see yourself as the flawed creation of God that those of us who, unlike the Holy Mother, was born with the stain of original sin and, good gravy, do we live up to every moment of it! You have to search your soul and recognize, most often, how immature or misguided we were in choosing to go through with a covenential commitment. You see every wart in your actions and behaviors. That is an eye opener one never expects.
However, with that self revelation comes a beautiful, blue, loving conversion of your heart. You may already be a devout Catholic Christian, but this deepens that devotion in words that even I (the worlds foremost purveyor of baloney in my orations) wasn't expecting to feel. Very often, as I wrote my admissions, my eyes would well up and I would smell roses, the gift I have been given my Our Lord to let me know that my true spiritual director, His dear mother, was with me to help in guiding my path. Once I completed that form and turned it in, I felt like I had lost 20 pounds.... unfortunatley I didn't physically, but at least I felt it! ;-)
A few more myths to knock down: NO, your children are not illegitimate and keep ties to their father. Just as no unborn child chooses their parents, the lifestyle in which they were initiated, your children do not inherit errors in judgement that the parents or parent may have made. Annulment doesn't mean the marriage did not exist. It means that THE MARRIAGE WAS NOT SACRAMENTAL IN THE EYES OF THE CHURCH. Nothing is invalidated. So, to quote Barney Fife, I want to NIP THAT IN THE BUD!
The next truth that people seem to be unaware, is that if you are unable to obtain church annulment, you are not doomed. THE IMPORTANT THING IS TO GO THROUGH THE PROCESS! You must at least make your best attempt. There are remedies such as dispensation from your situation. Or, you maybe able to clear it up in the Sacrament of Reconciliation. Your priest with whom you have established a raport might vouch for you. Even if you are living with a spouse, let's say for an example, a loved one who is dying or has a form a dimentia that is irreversable, if you commit to living a life of chastity, again you might be able.
With my Oblate Sisters of Mary Magdalene, I recognize that some women are already married and living a consecrated vocation or women who for a variety of reasons just don't feel they are a candidate for annulment, I have provisions to still accept them into my religious fold. We have the Intercessors program. These might be women who fell into my first category or the latter. If you are married, you may continue to live that beautiful vocation, with no interference by OSMM, but you must obtain your husband's permission. You may take a promise to "pray without ceasing" and learn our charism and rule. Since you are already "a secular", we cannot interfere with His love and plan for you. For another exampe, everyone else, if you are awaiting to hear from the tribual with a yay or nay, you can still make that promise. Most especially for the latter, you may make that personal and private commitment with the clergy member of your choosing. Then, if he will also submit a letter of recommendation for you. As long as you living a chaste lifestyle and live the life or the OSMM, you will still be a sister equal to all other consecrated members. Never panic when this becomes an "issue" for you. With God, all things are possible. And, for me and my house, we will serve The Lord".... that is from my only Kincaid print AND Sacred Scripture! :D
May God's love continue to surround you and be your beacon of hope on your journey.
