My Permission Slip

When my thoughts go back in time, as they so often do, several episodes of my life seem to pop up, and there is a common thread. I am called to something greater than myself, but what is it?

I am watching my younger, 17 year old daughter, who is determined to become a police officer. She is in law enforcement vocational training and part of the Columbus Ohio Police Department's Explorer program. She also plans to join the US Army. Today, she even went with the recruiters to the reserves camp. She is tired, but she loves it. I see a beautiful young woman who started life with the cards stacked against her. So much adversity, but she is clear in her vision for herself and I have no doubt will be a wonderful law enforcement officer.

Rachel, is 28, developmentally handicapped and receives disability payments, but works two part time jobs in the fast food industry. She fancies herself an actress. She tries out for and has performed in several local productions. I thought when I was in college, "None of my children will be in theater! No! I want baseball players." God's will is a tough nut to crack, because neither of my girls are athletes. In fact, the are LOATHED to even sit with me through a baseball or football game. But they both took/take their education and career choices for the future seriously and with amazing clarity. That wasn't me 20 or 25 years ago. Not by a long shot.

Memory number one is going on a Sunday trip to visit relatives in Yellow Springs, Ohio. We stopped at a popular bakery where you can get the freshest doughnuts. While we were in the store, there were three religious sisters who were also customers purchasing those wonderful confections. My father made a comment when we returned to the car. I don't remember exactly what it was, but it was disparaging against the sisters. My parents were not Catholic & I wasn't raised Catholic, but I always FELT Catholic. Later on in the day, I approached my father and gently admonished him of the error in his prejudice about religious life. He received it with grace and humility. And, my dear mother gave me an " atta girl" in another room, out of ear shot of Dad.

As I grew I always longed to attend Catholic Churches, even attending mass regularly in college, but never taking that courageous step of actually entering. But, my mother saw where my heart was directing me and encouraged me, no she SIGNED ME UP, for the RCIA class the summer after my sophomore year. I have never looked back and feel blessed when I receive the Eucharist, because I know what others are missing. I would sit in front of a mirror and drape a scarf over my head, wondering how I would look in a religious habit. Other young girls I am supposing would play with momma's make up and dress clothes or wedding gowns, imagining how that would be. I was different. I assumed that I would get married, but exploring consecration for my life, just as I attended mass for years and didn't convert, I was too insecure to explore religious life in the early seventies.

I won't drag anyone through the married life I led, it was bad enough that I put myself and my older daughter through it *smile*, but looking for romance was always an exercise in futility for me. I wasn't comfortable in "the game" of dating. After my divorce, I admitted that in order for me to marry again, this man would have to be extraordinary and the last man who walked the Earth and who fit the bill was crucified over 2000 years ago. So, as I stated in my first blog, I decided to see if there was a group, society, a way of life that was a good fit for me and allow me to serve God in the way I know He wants. That leads me to memories two and three.

I began sharing with Sr. Evelyn Gerhart and found that I was blessed with the gift of smelling roses when the Holy Mother was near, encouraging me in the right direction. It happended frequently from 1995-2000. I wasn't getting everything I needed from the Good Shepherd Congregation. I was meant to experience them, though. Because their foundress, St. Mary Euphrasia came to my aide when I was in the adoption process with the local Children Services Department. After praying a novena to her, I was allowed to be the mother of Monique. And, I had her baptised Monique Marie Euphrasia in thanksgiving to her. I also made my first private vows to them in 1998. But there was confrusion, adversity that the Companions (the group with whom I professed my vows) were facing that wasn't helped by the insecure and uncertain nature of my search for God's will for me.

I spoke with secular institutes, vocation directors from other religious groups and even made an earnest attempt to become a sister in a pious association that was and still is growing. I had a tearful meeting with the diocese vocation office, where I was told what I am always told, "You are a mother to your daughters. That is what you should focus on. There is no place for you in the Church as a religious." I have wasted several sad years over that comment. The operative word in that sentence is " wasted". Why have I been so timid and limited myself so? I have raised two, confident, high functioning special needs daughters who are brave enough to take on what they want for their lives and are living God's plan for them.

So, on a rare occasion that Monique considered me "cool enough" for conversation one afternoon as I folded some laundry, I lamented to her how, as much as I love the two girls, I really wish I had looked into life as a Dominican sister or knew of the existance of the Oblate Sisters of Providence. I told her that I feel I would have been better of as a bride of Christ. Then, she gave me the most puzzled look I have ever seen. She said, "...but, I thought you were. Just because other people try to discourage you, that doesn't mean your not His bride. I have always seen you that way. Stop asking people for permission to do what God wants you to do."

Whoa! Out of the mouths of babes. I have spent a lifetime looking to other humans, who have no authority to shut me down, and it took my daughter to open my eyes. So, even though I am not connected with an established group or with one that is forming, that doesn't mean that I am not nor can be a consecrated lay woman.

I am in the process of writing my own rule. I vision myself as an Oblate Sister of Mary Magdalene. She was a woman, looked down on my the rest of society, but was a much loved disciple of Christ. So much so that when He arose from the tomb, He appeared to her first. He asked her why she was looking for Him there and it wasn't until after she faced Him, that she recognized The Lord. That is what I have been doing. Jesus just tapped me on the shoulder as I have wept and asked me, why am I seeking Him where He is not. He is in my heart as He was in the Magdalene. And I will join her in service to Him.

Please, pray for me as I embark on my new life. Well, it's my life, but I am sanctifying everything, turning all that I do that is good for Him. And, if it is meant to be, and there are other women out there, who like me have believed that we were not meant to serve Him as a consecrate, and boldy do it now, not waiting for permission.